I've managed to get Linux installed on my system again! This time, instead of Gentoo, I'm using Debian Linux. This means that the system was up and running in about 15 minutes instead of a day.
Plus I can make fun of Gentoo users now.
Now all I need to do is figure out why my sound isn't working...
Edit: (after applying bandages to bleeding ears) Now I just need to figure out why sound is only work in the Totem media player. Never turn up the volume when trying to figure out why the sound isn't working...